Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Self Control
Sometimes I feel I amaze myself at my own lack of the thing that I have been trying to enforce on myself.

This is especially true in my lack of control over my money-spending issues.
Every time I see something I find mildly likeable to me, like a book, or a game, or something like that, I will get this urge to get it. Its like the object wants me to buy it. Yes. Its so. Like just now, I went to the shop to get a little 80 cents ice cream, and guess what, I wasted like $11.50 buying a stupid Ben and Jerry's ice cream which seemed sooo tempting. SOO TEMPTING.

It IS yummy though. I'm eating it like a teeny weeny bit at a time. But I expect soon i'll just eat it all.

More examples. I bought a useless book of answers for $19.95. And what did I use it for? It isn't even accurate anyways. There are more accurate ways of getting answers for difficult situations. And that was $20 gone down my open void in my pocket which draws in all cash from me and my mom. I took up guitar lessons and after six months, I stopped. However I still have enough knowledge to play it basically. And thats a good thing.

There are so many other ways in which I feel I have tore open and flung my mother's blood and sweat and stress all into the void. So many other ways. And though my many failed attempts to change it and suppress it and destroy it... it has managed to fool all my attempts. One way or another.

If anyone is here to read it, I would like to apologise. Badly. I never meant to hurt anyone.

I just HATE myself.
I hate how I am
I hate how I am so weak
I hate the rules enforced on me
I hate the fact that I constantly hurt people
I hate this
I hate life
I hate human beings. Backstabbing Cruel human beings.
I hate this all


Let It End.


Lastly, those surprised by my strangely happy attitude at the start of the post, I now sincerely apologise. I hate being happy as well. I also wish to apologise for my slow rate of updating and posting. I hate myself.

Now leave me be. Go back to your empty hearts. Go. Shoo.

- --| Kyros |-- wasn't missed at 3:04 PM

darkness.for.words

clipped.wings

Felix Kyros Ang Mao Ler
Banished for 17 years now
Left the Shimmering Lights Behind
Dark Angel
Twelth, of Twelth
Suffering the curse of humanity
Lust for blood

deep.desires
1. Human Rejection
2. Time
3. Freedom
4. To Leave this Cursed Land
5. My Soul
6. My Sanity (I Got This Back)
7. Of Wisdom and Lightworks

heart.felt
Lacuna Coil
Within Temptation
Evanescence
Nightwish
Elfen Lied
Epica
Death
Sorrow
Darkness
The Moon
Blood

heart.cursed
Humanity
Sunlight
Helplessness
Imcomprehension
Cruelty
Violence
Inequality

last.words
i still love you. i always have. i was banished from the light, to get caught in the middle. punished with insanity. death out of my grasp.
you never existed to care for me. you existed for me to care. and when i cried, nobody came. nobody alive. humanity is dead.
new humanity was recreated. and you punished me by making me part of it. i still cry. still nobody comes. nobody comes. nobody ever came.
and still i scream, torn apart in the battle in my own mind. the battle of two, the battle of three. nobody comes to help me, for i wish no human help.
what could humanity do but rip me further? locked in rotting flesh. destined to be punished. because of you. you who lies. you who never lived, and you who will never die.

over. ended.
all silent as the ticks of the halted hands.
i turn. i see.
the dances of grey havens, over the earth so cold
and sit, in the cries of a motherless child.

memories.of.heaven
February 2005
April 2005
May 2005
July 2005
August 2005
October 2005
November 2005
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
February 2009
July 2009
September 2009
December 2009
January 2010
March 2010
June 2010

navigation
lonely.souls
Phoebe(Buffay)
The EGG
Darth Sulphate

un.lonely.souls
John
Kono Bakamono no Yume
Herina-Chan
Pwiffie
Uni
FGS-Vip
David
Andrew
Keimi-Chan
Ker Yu
Nicholas
YingZhi
link

design by

m creations