--//|| LeeeAve mE aLooonE ||\\--

In Times of Need

2010-06-07T01:30:00.003+08:00

Jesus, do not leave me alone in suffering.
You know, Lord, how weak I am.
I am an abyss of wretchedness,
I am nothingness itself;
So what will be so strange
If You leave me alone and I fall?

I am an infant, Lord,
So I cannot get along by myself.
However, beyond all abandonment I trust,
And in spite of my own feeling I trust,
And I am being completely
transformed into trust,
Often in spite of what I feel.

Do not lessen any of my sufferings,
Only give me strength to bear them.
Do with me as You please, Lord,
Only give me the grace to be able to love You,
In every event and circumstance.

Lord, do not lessen my cup of bitterness,
Only give me strength
That I may be able to drink it all.

Amen.

As my fear creeps within me in bloom

2010-03-15T21:57:00.002+08:00

In my anguish I cried to the Lord,
and he answered by setting me free.

The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.

I call on the Lord in my distress,
and he answers me.

The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
"O Lord, save me!"

Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.

Pitiful Vase

2010-01-11T12:08:00.002+08:00

ever silent are solitary flowers,
fighting back tears and the settling dew

and as they succumb we smile in the most benevolent of intentions
are truly joyful for the weeping

Ghosts of the Past

2010-01-02T13:01:00.004+08:00

My Child,

I had no idea it would be I who would take your place.
And as much as I watched from afar I gave you none other than my company,
While for me gave you my life.

Now my paths wind, and on my walks my soul sees your sorrows.
They return to me from your restbed.

Oh, how I have forgotten.

This world, was for you too vulgar, too cruel,
and you were just a child.
And oh, but how it angers me still to hear your tale
to tread the cold, stone path that leads to your tree.

And to know that I did nothing to stop the blade.
I was silent. And now I speak, when you can no longer hear.
When I can no longer find you.

And I am in regret.

Perhaps you knew, the Strong One tasked upon me the keeping of your final bed?
The watering of the tree that was to guide you to the ends of your path?
The day he returned home, he left me your key
And its metal remains, but its markings worn
And I forgot.

And I realise, this pain of yours that I feel, really is mine.

This day I shall brush the greyish marble that guards you
I shall care for the tree that stands over you
I shall dress your hands with garlands and your head with leaves
and blow the dust off the pots surrounding you

By Deus, may I never forget again.

Be safe, my child, wherever you may be,
Mao Ler

There's nothing good in this mourning
Don't want to let you go

You have always liked this place
It now belongs to you
I need to set you free, and go on alone

The kindest heart I've found
I lowered into the ground
Your smile kept me alive
back when the skies were still

-

have i learnt what must be learnt,
done what must be done?

deus, may I let go

Despair

2009-12-31T14:17:00.002+08:00

"Bad faith is possible only because sincerity is conscious of missing its goal inevitably, due to its very nature. I can try to apprehend myself as "not being cowardly," when I am so, only on condition that the "being cowardly" is itself "in question" at the very moment when it exists, on condition that it is itself one question, that at the very moment when I wish to apprehend it, it escapes me on all sides and annihilates itself."

Self-determination bears holes on its sides. To assert oneself as something is to doubt it so gravely the assertion takes form, and comes into conscious being, and to express this is to find a strength so overwhelming it imposes itself beyond one's self, beyond one's own. To effect change, perhaps? To overcome the very doubt which gives the expression its vigour? It is folly.

"The condition under which I can attempt an effort in bad faith is that in one sense, I am not this coward which I do not wish to be. But if I were not cowardly in the simple mode of not-being-what-one-is-not, I would be "in good faith" by declaring that I am not cowardly. Thus this inapprehensible coward is evanescent; in order for me not to be cowardly, I must in some way also be cowardly. That does not mean that I must be "a little" cowardly, in the sense that "a little" signifies "to a certain degree cowardly - and not cowardly to a certain degree." No. I must at oncce be and not be totally and in all respects a coward."

Cowardliness, like kindness and other such concepts remain what they are - concepts. Concepts which, like freedom, are in their very essence absolute. Such is how one has no ability to be "a little" of this or another. One is cowardly, or one is not cowardly. Yet this adjectival association, this being-a-characteristic trait of cowardliness and its fellow concepts hints towards such - that such being, such relation to adjectival concepts, in reality lies nowhere. Present out cowardliness, kindness, in a green box, perhaps? Still, its ability to amend or align the choices of the human consciousness is undeniable, whether in bad faith, good faith, or in true raw being. They can be links, relations, between multiple human consciousnesses. 'He is a coward, and thus I treat him like I should cowards'. [Are] we then, in this context [have we such embodied or in our being 'is], in essence, any concept at all? That the human mind may believe itself to be, in its flesh, meat, cells, and concepts, is absurd, silly. It is perhaps then, consciousness itself, which may bear, in its essence, concepts.

How should this consciousness comprehend these concepts, then? Certainly consciousness relates to these concepts in ways. Perhaps just as our selves relate to trees and pillars in ways. We sway across the mental, finally settling on a(or multiple) concept(s) upon which to feed, to grow, to determine, to become idolised. Such could then it be, a 'determined' consciousness, a 'clear' personality. That which integrates the concepts into its very essence. This notion, however, indicates that the pre-integrated consciousness in its very fact bears essence. A spontaneity, a being far beyond the outlines of the logical, conceptual realm. Perhaps it is this which Sartre seeks, to exist as a consciousness merely as itself. A freedom from the concepts of one or all.

As such, how is one completely and totally cowardly, and while being so, is not cowardly at all? What might being be, then?

Envy, envy, my vice and my fall.

Deus, allow me to free myself from my torment.

Please direct semantic horseplay or an unfreedom from preconceived notions and associations to an indulging party. Especially the arguable.

Frail

2009-12-30T10:31:00.003+08:00

My flesh burns but my bones are cold
and I am written over and over and over again

in ink

perhaps it's time to blog somewhere else

misery flows like a scorching river. where went my strength?
what do you wish me learn?

deus, guide me, as you have before

That Which Was

2009-12-21T23:48:00.003+08:00

Should my words resound empty, my smile impure
That which spoken thunders across fields uncounted
And grants you no peace

Know that the fields were yours-
The storm, yours-
The night mine, the demons, yours-
Your pain, yours, and my pain, yours

Matrie, you were my highest hope
My statue most solemn
And my greatest unrest

Such is it thus, and I am gone

Over

2009-12-14T03:05:00.002+08:00

My life could have been just those 36 hours
and I would still die fufilled

Happy Birthday, Me!
This year I can say this, vigorous as a flame dipped into the sun

Captivated

2009-12-07T22:26:00.002+08:00

whispers beyond each tune
call me forth

as destiny unwinds in leaps
of a slant equilibrium
wilting

why have eyes when all you see means nothing, and all that has meaning you cannot see?
yet eyes we have, and we are confused

i will never be sure

Belief

2009-09-01T23:41:00.002+08:00

My Most Precious Dear -

I know not any longer what trickery this be.

It is such, that by the will of the playful ones, I was shown such beauty in the death of my hope, in the candlelights of the glimmering forest
and that I was ripped from it, in its embodiment oh how delicate.

And as the beast within me bounded forth at its cage, as it drove me to tear myself away I was shown grace, and the cages themselves became nothing.

And Beauty was for me, and I weeped in joyous being.

And so I spoke within, that such shall I give myself to, such shall I trust.

And the laughter of the playful ones resounded forth in the being-world. And beauty willed itself a cage.

As as I feared this beauty, this beauty fears now me.
As I was once foolish, so does beauty, in its wisdom, bar itself from me.
And the laughing ones unveil the pain that, as I once slipped upon others, is now destined upon me.

My darling, what am I to feel?
I am lost, I am weakened, and I long for only you.

Oh providence, thou art the damned and the pitiful. And I am at your mercy.

Save me.

Across Worlds

2009-07-27T01:48:00.002+08:00

It is that which has plagued me sincelessly-

By the breaths which have come forth from my self, and then by, it is rest which refuses me while the night reigns without, as it does within.

And for it I have given up all sense, all rationale, all rhyme and all familiarity. I cannot understand it, as it understands me, and before it I am left helpless, shameless, empty.

As light sears that which is me and is without me, intoxicating my being, unpeaceing me within, so the fatigue comes, and it overwhelms, and, as I was before so now, for it once more, I am helpless.

Yet as the light fades and I am in comfort, and my thoughts bent on the rest sorely and desperately needed, as even then I will my eyes away and all sight turns its back on me, that which empowers my degenerated heart is let loose as if a tide defiant, unwilling to turn at my will, and I am in awe, I am alive, and I hate myself for it.

For as the night falls, my self is given being, and my thoughts race across worlds.

Cradle

2009-02-04T01:47:00.002+08:00

This day there was such as spoken to me, and it bore with it words most harsh.

And it called to me as if-
a pearl of the horizon, shine-worth and
unbearable. and as its tears grew louder its sparkle returned and I saw

and its cries were of such starkness, such emptiness

and i wept

bitter thoughts was it that i wept
which rose once more to a bandaged heart

and for that i cried
and the damning and the lonely were lost of my thoughts

and now of that very heart i am awoken
of the rest of a thousand sounds
by the rest of a thousand sounds

i awake once more

to cry, to love

and to die

2008-11-29T03:35:00.000+08:00

No more do I fear such.

I fear

2008-11-04T20:33:00.001+08:00

I fear I fail my A levels.

My Death

2008-10-26T13:51:00.002+08:00

And it is in being I am plagued with my death

As the bitter prejudices of breathing souls

And in this true being all life is left
but a dreadness and oh, but it.

yet by strife of strifes, i am alive

simmering in desp-ools of naught and nil
when all around me seems oh but wretched
and ill

and it is this madness that burns in me still
where i am not fit to be is it that fuels me
and by this unbeing he, i am alive

when i'd rather not be

2008-10-09T23:23:00.000+08:00

I fear

Family(?)

2008-09-30T23:15:00.002+08:00

Should we have to fear those whom we are to trust the most?

Woe be to he who lives dreaming of living.

I don't need companions whom repulse so at my companionship.

I HATE YOU FOR HATING ME
I HATE YOU FOR HATING ME
I HATE YOU FOR HATING ME

and I should never have had hope

I was a fool

2008-09-27T14:04:00.000+08:00

To have ever believed family could be trusted

Surprise

2008-09-19T11:13:00.000+08:00

Finally someone who got it right.

The Olympic Spirit

2008-08-10T14:33:00.001+08:00

C'mon China be a sport!

Broadcast the Japanese olympic team at least ONCE.

ugh.

Beijing Welcomes You All!(Except Japan)

Ich hab geträumt vor langer Zeit

2008-07-11T16:43:00.001+08:00

Einst hab ich manchen Mann gekannt,
ihre Stimmen waren sanft,
ihre Worte geheuer.
Einst hab ich lichterloh gebrannt,
und die Welt war ein Lied
und das Lied war aus Feuer.
Es war einmal
uns ist nicht mehr.

Ich hab geträumt vor langer Zeit
von einem Leben, das sich lohnte.
Von Liebe und Unsterblichkeit.
Vom guten Gott, der mich verschonte.

Da war ich jung und ohne Angst
und Träume gingen wie sie kamen:
Ich find dir, was du auch verlangst,
für jede Freude einen Namen...

Doch die Tiger in der Nacht
wittern gierig deine Wunden
reißen wild an deinem Herz -
sie zerfleischen deinen Traum.

Der Sommer, als er bei mir schlief,
war wie ein uferloses Wunder:
War Kind noch, als er nach mir rief,
war Mädchen, als der Herbst begann.

Ich träum noch heut, er kommt zurück,
gemeinsam trotzten wir den Jahren.
Doch wir sind nicht gemacht fürs Glück,
für seine Stürme und Gefahren...
Ich hab geträumt, mein Leben wär
ein Schicksal außerhalb der Hölle -
Gott gibt den Wünschen keinen Raum.

Nichts blieb mir mehr von meinem Traum.

How Tiresome

2008-06-09T19:08:00.002+08:00

My God is better than your God

For my God protects you as well

I seek...

2008-05-24T00:21:00.001+08:00

Once I travelled 7 seas to find my love
And once I sang 700 songs...

Once I crossed 7 rivers to find my love
And once, for 7 years, I forgot my name
Well, if I have to I will die 7 deaths just to lie
In the arms of my eversleeping aim

I dreamt last night that he came to me
He said: "My love, why do you cry?"
For now it won't be long any more
Until in my cold grave we will lie
Until in my cold grave we will lie

Amusing

2008-05-21T22:16:00.001+08:00

я έ н с genetic predisposition is not destiny. says (10:14 PM):
i am confuzzled
F.o.Y. : The loner who dreamt at the well, scopped for the moon, fooled by the illusion says (10:14 PM):
of course you are.

and

я έ н с genetic predisposition is not destiny. says (10:16 PM):
oh snow white
я έ н с genetic predisposition is not destiny. says (10:16 PM):
lovely snow white
|Κύρος| they anger not for their non-speech, they anger for no one hears says (10:16 PM):
yes my prince charming
я έ н с genetic predisposition is not destiny. says (10:17 PM):
IM THE DIRECTOR
|Κύρος| they anger not for their non-speech, they anger for no one hears says (10:17 PM):
of course you are.

A Gothic Embrace

2008-05-19T23:51:00.003+08:00

Lucifer:
Oh angel o' my winter;
grieveth for the pain o' sadness.
A gothic embrace restores my love
God took away...
Ye romance o' forgotten times...
in eras without the sun.
An ocean o' tears I see...
A nightfall o' dreams caresses me.

Deliah:
Thou wert, thou art, thou shalt fore'er be...
Ye nightshade o' thy sorrow,
stretching out for it's romantic rose in twilights beauty.
In love with ye thousands o' nights...
but weeping in silence... in ebony... for melancholy forever!

Astaroth:
Gothic moon ablazeth the eventide so sonorous,
ye solemn of a lovelorn gard'n o' crimson souls.
All true beauty is sad...
but lost within the clenched hands of God.

Deliah:
Hosanna de Profundis!
Dethrone the tyrant
Take his throne, take the throne!

Lucifer:
I mourn that the night passes us by
Let there be an eternal night, eternal night!
I mourn that the night passes us by!
Let there be an eternal night, eternal night!

2008-05-01T09:24:00.001+08:00

MINDLESS BEASTS

A Plague

2008-05-01T00:05:00.004+08:00

A Curse! A Curse on the house of fools! On the mindless! The Weak!
THE FOOLS

BE THEY FOREVER DAMNED

DAMNED
DAMNED
DAMNED
DAMNED
DAMNED
DAMNED
DAMNED

A CURSE ON THE HOUSE OF FOOLS!

some part wonders still why feel I such hurt
such anger

speaks so - that such folly screams me back to a time
a time of but ill, but damned-being
of but hurt and of great anger

"be there any who would comprehend?"

and are those not words of an age past

my darling,
he whomsobecalled "ang mao ler" is dead!

yet you still live.

for it is you that i am. and for that which i am i will be.

i am

weep not in anger, dear one
for i live once more

i have always been.

i am.

2008-04-24T22:36:00.002+08:00

How humanity annoys me.

shelarh was requested speak to my mother

(@)therine Yew says (10:31 PM):
hellp
|kyros| they anger not for their non-speech, they anger for no one hears says (10:31 PM):
why?
(@)therine Yew says (10:31 PM):
i cannot call out
|kyros| they anger not for their non-speech, they anger for no one hears says (10:31 PM):
how can i help
(@)therine Yew says (10:31 PM):
ask shelarh to talk to me via msn
|kyros| they anger not for their non-speech, they anger for no one hears says (10:31 PM):
why can't you call?
(@)therine Yew says (10:31 PM):
i also cannot answer calls
(@)therine Yew says (10:31 PM):
hotel phone also doesn't work

|kyros| they anger not for their non-speech, they anger for no one hears says (10:33 PM):
hi mom
|kyros| they anger not for their non-speech, they anger for no one hears says (10:33 PM):
shelarh here!
(@)therine Yew says (10:33 PM):
hi darling
|kyros| they anger not for their non-speech, they anger for no one hears says (10:33 PM):
i can't turn my com on now cos its late and i'm having a stomachache

does it not so speak:

"i can't turn my com on now cos its late and you're not important enough to me for me to bother turning on my com. besides, i'm having a stomachache and it kinda annoys me so i find myself even less willing to make an effort to talk to you."

is it so difficult to speak to somebody who misses you?

i wonder why i live with these people.

Home

2008-04-05T13:07:00.001+08:00

Father Giancarlo Fontana

I saw her when she arrived for Sunday Mass, with the baby in her arms as usual. I knew that she and Lukás were having difficulties, but, until that week, these had all seemed merely the sort of misunderstandings that all couples have, and since both of them radiated goodness, I hoped that, sooner or later, they would resolve their differences.

---

She asked if I could talk to Lukás, who never came to church, perhaps because he didn't believe in God or perhaps because he preferred to spend his sunday mornings with his son. I agreed to do so, as long as he came of his own accord. Just when Athena was about to ask him this favor, the major crisis occured, and he left her and Viorel.

---

She continued attending church on Sundays, but always went straight back home afterwards. She had no one now whom with to leave her son, who cried lustily throughout mass, disturbing everyone else's concentration. On one of the rare occasions we could speak, she said that she was working for a bank, had rented an apartment, and that I needn't worry about her. Viorel's father(she never mentioned her husband's name now) was fulfilling his financial obligations.

Then came that faithful sunday.

I learned what happened during the week- one of the parishioners told me. I spent several nights praying for an angel to bring me inspiration and tell me whether I should keep my commitment to the church or to flesh-and-blood men and women. When no angel appeared, I contacted my superior, and he said the only reason the church has survived is because it's always been rigid about dogma, and if it started making exceptions, we'd be back in the middle ages. I knew exactly what was going to happen. I thought of phoning Athena, but she hadn't given me her new number.

That morning, my hands were trembling as I lifted up the host and blessed the bread. I spoke the words that had come down to me through a thousand-year-old tradition, using the power passed on from generation to generation by the apostles. But then my thoughts turned to that young woman with her child in her arms, a kind of Virgin Mary, the miracle of motherhood and love made manifest in abandonment and solitude, and who had just joined the lines as she always did, and was slowly approaching in order to take communion.

I think most of the congregation knew what was happening. And they were all watching me, waiting for my reaction. I saw myself being surrounded by the just, by sinners, by Pharisees, by members of the Sanhedrin, by apostles and disciples and people with good intentions and bad.

Athena stood before me and repeated the usual gesture: she closed her eyes and opened her mouth to recieve the Body of Christ.

The Body of Christ remained in my hands.

She opened her eyes, unable to understand what was going on.

"We'll talk later," I whispered.
But she didn't move.

"There are people behind you in the queue. We'll talk later."

"What's going on?" she asked, and everyone in the line could hear her question.

"We'll talk later."

"Why won't you give me communion? Can't you see you're humiliating me in front of everyone? Haven't I been through enough already?"

"Athena, the Church forbids divorced people from recieving the sacrament. You signed your divorce papers this week. We'll talk later," I said again.

When she didn't move, I beckoned the person behind her to come forward. I continued giving communion until the last parishioner had recieved it. And it was then, just before I turned to the altar, that I heard that voice.

It was no longer the voice of the girl who sang her worship of the Virgin Mary, who talked about her plans, who was so moved when she shared with me what she'd learned about the lives of the saints, and who almost wept when she spoke to me about her marital problems. It was the voice of a wounded, humiliated animal, its heart full of loathing.

"A Curse on this place!" said the voice. "A curse on all those who never listened to the words of Christ and who have transformed his message into a stone building. For Christ said: 'Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.' Well, I'm heavy laden, and they won't let me come to Him. Today I've learned that the Church has changed those words to read: "Come unto me all ye who follow our rules, and let the heavy laden go hang!"

I heard one of the women in the front row of pews telling her to be quiet. But I wanted to hear. I needed to hear. I turned to her, my head bowed- it was all I could do.

"I swear that I will never set foot into a church again. Once more, I've been abandoned by a family, and this time it has nothing to do with financial difficulties of with the immaturity of those who marry too young. A curse on all those who slam the door in the face of a mother and her child! You're just like the people who refused to take in the Holy Family, like those who denied Christ when he most needed a friend!"

With that, she turned and left in tears, her baby in her arms. I finished the service, gave the final blessing and went straight to the sacristy- that sunday, there would be no mingling with the faithful, no pointless conversations. That sunday, I was faced with a philosphical dilemma: I had chosen to respect the institution rather than the words on which that institution was based.

I know now what happened to Athena(she was murdered), and I wonder: Did it all start there, or was it already in her soul? I think of the many Athenas and Lukáses in the world who are divorced and because of that can no longer recieve the sacrament of the Eucharist; all they can do is contemplate the suffering, crucified Christ and listen to His words, words that are not always in accord with the laws of the Vatican. In a few cases, these people leave the church, but the majority continue coming to mass on Sundays, because that's what they're used to, even though they know that the miracle of the transmutation of the bread and the wine into the flesh and the blood of the Lord is forbidden to them.

I like to imagine that, when she left the church, Athena met Jesus. Weeping and confused, she would have thrown herself into his arms, asking him to explain why she was being excluded just because of a piece of paper she'd signed, something of no importance on the spiritual plane, and which was of interest only to registry offices and the tax man.

And looking at Athena, Jesus might have replied:
"My Child, I've been excluded too. It's a very long time since they've allowed me in there."

I, owner of this blog, in no way claim ownership to this beautiful piece of text above.

2008-03-20T23:55:00.002+08:00

No, Eric. China stormed into Tibet and claimed it theirs much as the Jews stormed into Palestine and the Soviet Union Stormed into the Eastern Bloc. Tibetians are NOT chinese! They should NOT be ruled over by these strange communists whom are, ironically, not even part of them! Tibetians are a people themselves and thus deserve their own land, their own property, their own government and their own life.

FREEDOM FOR TIBET

LIFE AND LIBERATION FOR TIBET!

2008-03-18T20:16:00.000+08:00

FREEDOM FOR TIBET

FREEDOM FOR TIBET!!

2008-02-25T22:51:00.002+08:00

I will be held back no more

Chained was the bebirthed. Chained was the child. Chained was the forsaken, solitudebound.

Yet this night so passed, and cloudful streams rippled and shined anainth

You will find so it would be that the beast has is-ed.
Isen of the chokeful tears of Seventeen Years

Oh My Poisonous Savior

release me

2008-02-19T14:03:00.000+08:00

What is your demon type?

FALLEN ANGEL
You were a saint, cast from heaven you seek revenge, you become part of the immortal army... waiting for the war between light and dark.

How do you compare?
Take this test! | Tests from Testriffic

2008-02-03T23:20:00.000+08:00

Ave Maria, Gratia Plena, Dominus Te Cum. Benedicta tu in Mulieribus et Benedictus Fructus Ventris Tui, Jesus.

Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, Ora Pro Nobis Peccatoribus et in Hora Mortis Nostrae.

Amen

2008-01-29T22:14:00.000+08:00

Serbia won Eurovision 2007!?

Impossible!

Still, they pretty much deserve it, no?

2nd January 2007

2008-01-05T02:31:00.000+08:00

This is the best best best best best-est-est-ed year of my life.....

Happy Birthday

2007-12-12T00:35:00.000+08:00

to me.

2007-11-16T11:58:00.000+08:00

okays... erm.

Interesting Day!

Two really hot girls called me today.
One of'em plays the piano really well,
and the other, well, plays anything really well, really.
So we had a little chat...
and...

(what? what else was i supposed to put up again?)

And so it was!

Be well.

Modern Christianity

2007-11-10T10:51:00.000+08:00

There are apparently some new verses in the bible

Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself, unless your neighbor is a muslim, or a homosexual, or black, or asian, or unable to afford clean clothes, or atheist, or pagan. Loathe these people whom so called your neighbors, but with smiles on your faces, and pray later then through me for forgiveness.'"

-Matthew 22:37-39, Modern Christianity

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another, lest the person you love loves you not, then must you persecute them in my name. As I have loved you, so you must love one another, lest the person is an infidel, a blasphemer, men deemed unworthy of my love. Love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

-John 13:34-35, Modern Christianity

It is thus to this perverse, wicked state has christianity become. All of Christianity has forgotten the teachings of Christ, of God, of peace and love and blessing. Christianity has become an outlet for selfishness, a path into heaven with the freedom of endless sinning, for was it not Christ who sacrificed himself, so that one may beg for redemption, beg for the savior's grace. Murder freely! Lie, Rob, Steal! Just forget not to sanctify yourself in Jesus's name. Hypocrites! Fools! Christianity has dropped so low, so unbearably low, to brandishing threats of hell, to inducing endless foreupon endless fear, in the name of "God". No! No God will have you end numberless lives while commanding you so- to Love one another. to LOVE. So was it so to be, for love blossoming in your hearts, as you plunge your blade into muslim hearts? Love enforces your hand as the bar falls on the thousands gay-bashed. Christianity is but no more than the skrelchish floors of befouled sludgeworms in their grevious false hope, of somehow lifting the guilt, of somehow being loved.

This I so speak to all ones who so call themselves 'Christian'-
Obey the Son of God, the Savior, the Messiah, he whomfrom you are so named, Christians
Heed the word of Jesus Christ, King of Kings,
Love one another. As he has so loved you all, so must you LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

Then gracefully, peacefully, discard the feeble Armor of Faith so terrible and doubtful, for there will be no more of its need.

And proudly pick up, embrace, the destinies planned for you.

Come forth if you dare, True Christians!

How can blood be your salvation
And justify the pain
That we have caused throughout the times?

Will I learn what's truly sacred
Will I redeem my soul
Will the truth set me free?

2007-11-02T01:11:00.001+08:00

Please

omg

2007-10-30T23:13:00.001+08:00

i cannot believe i just did that

2007-10-30T22:13:00.000+08:00

Sighs. Here we go.

Dedicated to Teri Li YinRong

I should start charging soon...

Naw. I wouldn't do that.

2007-10-21T23:26:00.000+08:00

Carian demanded a post of her. So here it is.

Dedicated to Carian Siyuen Tham

2007-10-07T23:23:00.000+08:00

Long Lost Love

Trees have dropped their leaves,
Clouds their waters
All this burden is killing me

Distance is covering your way,
Tears your memory
All this beauty is killing me

Oh, do you care,
I still feel for you
So aware,
What should be lost is there

I fear I will never find anyone
I know my greatest pain is yet to come
Will we find each other in the dark
My long lost love

Whisper to my heart when hope is torn apart-

2007-09-30T11:31:00.001+08:00

Put all you angels on the edge.

Keep all the roses, I'm not dead...
I left a thorn under your bed,

i'm never gone

Tarja's Back.

2007-09-28T20:21:00.000+08:00

You don't have to see what I turned out to be...
No one can help you

Knock Knock

2007-09-17T17:36:00.000+08:00

You Are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits.
Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle.
Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it.
You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.

What Time Of Day Are You?

As dark as I ever was.

2007-09-10T22:32:00.000+08:00

it is not important that you know every thing,

just the important things

Cough

2007-08-29T22:20:00.000+08:00

On that day so brought the 23rd of August, 2007

At the dawning hour

Was then so My Grandfather Went On.

'Till Summer Lights and a Puppy Rose

Once Upon a Song

2007-07-24T22:49:00.000+08:00

Thanks Gabrielle, Weizhou, Ms.Buffay, Natalie, XY, MK, Madame Shelarh, Maomoi

and Her Lady Adnachiel. =)

And TJChoir people-ers!

oh. and the esplanade is biiig.

Epiphany

2007-07-11T00:09:00.000+08:00

To Speak, or Not to Speak?

Perhaps that'd be-
My Question.

curious.

2007-06-25T14:26:00.001+08:00

shes pretty in specs!

Gone

2007-06-02T01:29:00.001+08:00

And I'm but bound to unspeech.

Through Blossom, Through Wilt

2007-05-09T21:16:00.000+08:00

Oh, of how many'd a rose

What to do? What to say?

How to speak when so little'd be spoken?
Times have passed. His un'tever gracing Waltz.

Of'Wards-to Oblivion? To essence began?
Still Waltz do I to neverwhen.

And a blue day. To a blue day.

Where have all the feelings gone?
Why has all the laughter ceased...

T'was beauty of the littlest doubt.

Ah. The night calls.

The stunningly bright calls

But such folly in the heart of the wise-
Such haze in their sights
Of No End, Till No End.

Why am I loved only when I'm gone?

Cold

2007-04-15T23:42:00.000+08:00

And it's all it's been.

Cold.

And I don't like it.

TO FLAMES

2007-03-31T01:46:00.000+08:00

what kind of fool would call someone up at 1:40 AM IN THE MORNING

especially when they know how DIFFICULT IT IS FOR ME TO ACTUALLY SLEEP

and EXPECT TO TALK ABOUT HIS PROBLEMS

FOOL

don't anyone EVER IN THE BURNING FLAMES EVER WAKE ME UP FROM ANY KIND OF SLEEP I'M IN.

EVER.

and USE YOUR MIND before commiting such acts of FOLLY.

BURN YOU.

Ripples

2007-03-27T23:37:00.000+08:00

Ripples

For Whom, and the honeyclouds fall
Not how, not end, nowherever when.
Screams the Child, “not stop, not'd be me”
With longing buttercups choking
Upon not even an echo
Clutching Stillness, a booming heart
Tugs Shrieks arms. A tendritic touch
And See'd not ever bumble's wings.
Flaps harder not? Or fleshed its sting
See'd not ever...

Trickle.
Trickle.
Down My Candlelight.

2007-03-10T14:38:00.000+08:00

Bound

Summer's thawing shiverbring
Wisping shrieks of silver's sing
Thick drawn wick of ember's snake
Breath fawn in.

Due to wake, a night, a stake.

And all lies So Still.

For how long will you rest
When but us needs you most?

Ah.

2007-03-10T14:22:00.000+08:00

Out for one, and Pending for another.

Applications

2007-03-08T08:03:00.001+08:00

At LEAST
tell me if I'm In, or Out.

Curses.

and the rain sings...

2007-03-02T22:03:00.000+08:00

there are words terribly unspoken.

painfully so.

no shadows.
no labryinths.
no... poetry.

just for once.

--soon i will be here no more

days, days, many a days it's been.
thince that i stepped into CJ.

as that was spoken, i did so with a heavy heart.
a heart live winds, a heart crying blood.

and that with before, of devilish flames did freet,
and with simmer shadows sealed it so,
what with which i never knew, and so never knew.

IG12. so spoken it did.
my first toe-taps through the glimmering layers
of a so-eternal unbroken surface.

and there i saw what which i've observed but never seen,
i've spoken but never decreed.
saw i, life.
in the realms of the sun-dancers.

so much, too much, too bright...
and cowered did i, my embracing blight.

to strip off the layers like so,
and an-apologies
i could not do.

and i met 1t20.

seemed half of us went with ek, and three with ronald.
seemed i lost't'd be.

ring-arounda-ring; whacko and a cheryl -c.
drop the blanket and hold the tone.

and then followed the hours of undying laughter... for fifty-five days follows.

much as i would like to type one post of such difference, it seems it'll boil down to this.

Cynthia Teo- The One in Awe
You were at the round table, second from the stairs.
We were having break, you had your phone.
Then we spoke, and glorious glory be
You actually spoke well with me...

And we spoke of dance, and schools, and games,
and companions and happens and through.
For falce were you not to me,
and false was I not to you.

Stay cheerful, Cyn.
My first friend, whom with times and bus-rides shared.

Phoebe Buffay- The One Who Couldn't Fly
The audi, and the end of the first day.

"Why don't you talk?" asked you, then talk I did.

About $10 for stripes and Zinc and denim.
I was afraid, really. Didn't know what to say
Thus I spoke like you, and naught did you seem to mind.
I showed you little, yet you showed me kind.
And streams of the petite cheeryness bist.

And then the pokings started.

Phoebe, I adored our chats and times together,
In the LTs, in class, numbered too to say,
And I wish To this road we hadn't not to go away.

You brought my belonging, dear phoebe.

My first in Sixteen years.

And I only hope I could have barely done for me you did to you in its magnitude.
You were my Friend. A true one at that.
You were a friend to him which was human not,
Whom they abandoned to forever rot.

Don't ever leave yourself.
Don't ever.

And I will be just... "a phone call away".

Yza - Whom I Looked Up To
And you began this heritage natter. Natter-natter-pitter-patter.

Nonetheless, dance we did.
Through steps unknown,
and swung me through that unseeable zone.

I admired your ability to "sweep-up-and-get-it-going".
Firmly supported you for the HTC Position.

And you never let us down.
Never.

And it was an honor.

Ming Ching - The One Who Stood For Himself
Talked you did about literature.

Wrote twelve pages for the Os, dinntyou. Or was it Fourteen?

So knowledgable you are, so critical, with sight clearer than humanity's.

Yet a barrier remains to wisdom, my friend.

Sensitivity.

Nonetheless. You certainly did impress me.
And though I never got to stand up for you like I would have, you certainly needed not it, and perhaps flames had taken to your name if done so did i.

Fareblessed be on the road before you.
The gravel will rough, and the shards may cut,
but you, my friend will step forth 'ill the end.

Phoon Wai Mun - Whom with kindness blessed
Drew you the penguin!
Drew you did.

You showed me caring. You showed me life through those glinty eyes.
Into a world Everpink.

We had fun.
or so the raven sings.
and still ever does.

and for that which i could never speak of
and for that which i could never do
... sorry...

and you blew dripple-drops back into my blood

... new moon.

Gabrielle - Hugs
How to start...?

One day we will meet again...
And you'll be here in my arms.
Just sleeping

Into me brought you
the choking waterfalls kicked so
through a world once shivering

and you shattered the ice-slips
and the twinkles
of frost on trees
over the sweetness of my stilled swallow.

i don't know how to ever live you well enough...
i don't know how...

but perhaps
someday

gaze you will upon to a clear blue skies
of everending clouds
and at your feet,
an entwined, dark red rose.

and i never really got my chinese compo back, y'know. =)

Teri - Little Hamster
Really. Japanese?

And you were the bubbles.

Little ball of energy. =)

For not you were, and such
never'd be had i have the escalating
floats of laughter

and when i reached the clouds, you'd be
so high above,
chuckling

Yo! Teri!

Annabelle - La Belle Dame
Pardon s'il vous plait, my oh so terrible french.

Once more so were you the
grinning flowers
past the reflections, on the other side

little could i understand

though it indeed was but you through
felt which i did, the pleasuring honeysuckles
of the sunny skies.

thanks for playing by me. =)

Leverby - She who hit hard
My hair!
My hair!!!

no, i despise blood in my hands.

and now my nose is gone. T_T

Little Miss Tiny-but-omigosh-so-strong

And Be'd you the winds and puddles
of which my hat away'd blown
hair a-flying.

and we'd hop around
rain falled,
giggling, a-splash
and a rather loud roar.

chuckles!

Benjamin - Why do you weep?
You...

Benji!!

Benjelina.

Erm.

Thered was I, and the rising sun
and the little fluffs
of plains adored.

Smile, Benji.

Smile

Sutha - Sentinal
And you pointed the way
the way of so far
which i could walk towards.

everthanks be...
for you i won't forget.

Angie-Prema - Whoa Duo
You both sat before me
and definitely, were the source of a gazillion
funny times, and...

Bless you be, Angie.

And Prema, its really a joke!

Cheryl
Who never needed to words speak.

Thanks for the 'lil waves.

Felicity - Of Much Happiness
I'd be glad to sit by you
though not much speaked be
and still
singing.

i never got to sing

but perhaps i might
on a certain summerday
of unending happiness.

And was it not you who named me Felixity?

Jane - Mommy
You owe me Sweeeeeeetsssss!!!!

Everthanks... for the greetings
and the chats and the..
and the...

wait.
are you listening to me!?!?!

Ivan
What to do, What to say?

Will you forever never to me play?

Morgan - Silver Skulls
One day perhaps,
One mighty fine day

when all those sleepy go away
and the end of all things near
then we shall watch
as they come
to no end
to our end.

The Guys
Thought I freaked you out.
=)

Oh yea.

Blesses to HongSiah.

so it was thus spoken and so had it been
of such a one becursed

and hopped did i
into the waters

of giggles and shouts and the endless day

and now the seeming, streaming sunset.

You've heard my tale through my blood...

as an orb shimmeres through the blood abite
we so must go now
leaving us waiting on the tide
for the tide.

And all will turn
To Silver Glass...

Step now my friends.
Leave it all behind.
These sunrises and sets of fifty-five.

Our ships await through different winds
and through different tides.

The light on the water...

From the boat turn not back to the shore

Our sandprints before the darkening grass

For our prints will in the waves
Join us back wherever we are
In those great speckles of summer blue.

A grain of sand....
But a simple grain.

Thank you all. Thank you forever
Thank you for in this void
Igniting a flame
To shadow the darkness.

Thank... you... all....

What do you see
On the Horizon?
Why do the white gulls call...?

Across the sea
A pale moon rises...
The ships have come... to carry us home.

Two more sunrises.
Two more glares.

Then shall I return to the lakes of unmoving
Of serene stills.
Of which my heart lies forever and ever.

I will miss you all.

Until then which my heart turns to cold
'till never again.

Our promise.

Grey Ships pass-

into the west.

A note.

2007-02-16T19:15:00.000+08:00

RIP-OFF ARTISTE!!!

EIGHT POINTS!

2007-02-09T17:12:00.000+08:00

8 POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

EAT THAT WORLD. 8 POINTS!!!!!!

Cries

2007-01-23T16:58:00.000+08:00

To Have Seen.

Cries-

Slide, Crunch
And to Him a-facing
Be'd Like "A Thief in The Night"
Hails the hallowed darkness
A-wisping, from... this sight.

Tinkle, Sigh
Ghosts reverbrating
Withdraws to that neverend
Tears one, chilling sigh
For that forever Umbralic.

Taut, Why?
Still waters awakened
Embraces of tip-to-t'end
Lashes, In draconic pursuit
To that void n'existent.

Bold, Die
Unforgiving brightness
T'which in searing descent
Engulfs me not
Thats primal-spoken emotions.

Sap, Swift
Blossoms such otiose
How saccharine, How divine,
To ha'd seen the eyes
Of Desperate Human Deception.

Jestions.

2007-01-23T14:22:00.000+08:00

More Pills...

Wonderful.

A Past, Reborn

2007-01-09T21:31:00.000+08:00

Just thought that perhaps, I'd do like all others have done.

And so I shall scribe the story of fate, that which was written for me.

As what unfolded during the passing of the years. On the date, so spoken as the First of January, 2007, "New Year" of the Gregorian Calander.

Of unapparent reason, my new years greeting, of which I had addressed to but a-many people, was sent, and re-sent repeatedly for approximatly 8 times. Until I forcefully removed its battery, which it then refused to power up any more.

Yet, I had it said, said, and said once again.

I had it decreed to all those which cared.

For the passing of years marked that of great significance.
On the passing of years, there was but a one I saw fell, rested, and ultimatly rebirthed.

As that which unfolded during the reinitiation, on the date, so spoken of as the Third of January, 2007.

I stepped into the floors of Catholic JC, with undoubtly, much unwillingness. For in my heart I had, despite the reunification, carried through much, much, very much prejudice.

Though, I have to admit, I had a pretty good impression of the Facilitators. They were nice people, yeps.

Thursday's was similar to Wednesday's.

And as for Friday, the Fifth of January, 2007,

Unable I was, to attend school.

I... had a hospital appointment.

So did I on Saturday. I and the good doctor had a relatively pleasant talk.

And I shall speak more of it soon.

To Hide

2007-01-08T20:09:00.000+08:00

-Standing in the shadow of our lives-

And indeed on the verge of updating.
I was, truely.

And procrastination's annoying, comforting thrusts failed not in my seduction.

-To Hide our imperfections-

And I shall speak more, on a day left on this path lain before.

Deservance

2006-12-25T00:03:00.000+08:00

They took you away from me...

but now i'm taking you home

And such a fools choice it was.
Why. Was it even ever such.
Naught do they do. No.
To the truth of knowledge deserve.

And yet you spoke, you fool!
You spoke. And to all ends burnt it all away.

You know you treasured it.

But, My darling, it'd be all gone now.
And I only wanted to protect you.

I will stay forever here with you,
My Love.

The softly spoken words you gave me.

Grasp afading,
god's asleep.
And now 'till forever
You shall weep.

And I can't love you anymore than I do.

This intense snuggliness
Of a touch too swift
Kissing behind sweet torment
and a little lost soul.

Even in death

Our Love Goes On.

Prismic

2006-12-13T05:44:00.000+08:00

My dear, my baby baby dear,
Why do you cry?
Here had kept you not
Warm, safe, dry?
In here have blinds
To reduce the sears,
In here saw bleeds
To replenish your tears.

In here have lights,
have sweets, have sights,
Have athousand and athousand more.
Have things ashine, have things so fine,
Have things I'd only adore.

Yet, My Dear,
My Baby, baby dear,
Why do you cry?

Why do I cry?

Because whispers of a past so bright,
so burning, burning alight,
refuse to leave my door.

Dears I have, Dears I've got,
Dears I've dreamt of so long before,
Yet dears so dear snuffle not the fear
That sings to those cursed memories.

Why do you not leave me be...
Why not?

Yet still to this rhyme I'll lament,
Of pains unable to repent,
Of innocent bloodshots sent...

My Dear, My Dear, My Baby Baby Dear,
Why do you cry?

Thank You...
Maomoi, Shelarh, Dao, John, Oliver, Seeing, Leopie, Wanting,

You've made this warmth so much more bearable.

And you, I wish I didn't have feelings for you anymore.

Happy Birthday... to me,

Happy Birthday to... me...

Happy Birthday.... to the one benamed... Felix Kyros Ang Mao Ler...

Sounds un-a-flowing it does.
It does from these rough, creavaced, breathless lips,
Sound Alien, no?

Feelings, feelings,
Begone, I beg of you.
The gushing, roaring emptiness are all you'd bring
To my broken blood,
To my bleeding heart.

Happy Birthday to...

Sigh

Me.

Japan

2006-11-27T20:35:00.000+08:00

And so I am in.

It'd be harder than it seems to, as I so crudely put it across, "Leave Singapore behind on the plane".

It seems Singapore catches up with you, rather quickly.
And her bite pains.

Now let me forget Singapore at least... for another two days now.

Please.

I miss you.

What I Saw

2006-11-26T00:52:00.000+08:00

So it is... but what I saw.

And so I feel what I saw I would, in its entirety.

And so it is thus.

It is as if every second drags through days...
It is as if the malevolant flame streaks engulf my heart.
And I feel like ripping it out of my chest

To stop...
The pain.

My mother notices... I think. But not does she do anything.

And I hope what has happened today will calm the storms in this household... at least for a little while.

I Shall be leaving for the next few days. These are notices to those whom not was I able to convey my imperatives to.

Eric. All schemes before this day are negated and void. Especially those regarding that matter. I shall contact you with further details on my immediate return.

DS. Sorry I can't make it monday... I'll cya on thursday yea?

Pwiffie. Save me.

Darth Sulphate. I apologize for my innate absence during recent times. There are matters I must discuss with you upon my return.

Leopie. People Suck.

Now....

The pain is killing me.

Slavery

2006-11-21T14:37:00.000+08:00

I will not be a dog to you any longer.

I will not return BEGGING for your forgiveness.

For what you have spoken that you were upset about, I have already apologized. MULTIPLE times.

And if that is not good enough for you, John, then so be it.

Perhaps it never dawned on you, that I have emotions.

And if you don't care about that
If your preference lies in those fallen fools
If your overwhelming ego stops you from seeing the truth
If you wish to continue your extreme biasedness with no regards whatsoever about my feelings

then so be it.

Then this slavery shall end.

Perhaps I cared for you too much. Perhaps I stayed by you too long.
That now you see me foreverlonging.

But I shall die one day.

Who takes who for granted, John?

Stay by your fools.

And be calmed you may, for this shall only hurt me. Me and only me. Live your life like you would if I died.

Live your happy, lucky life.

And forget not my words once spoken.
That when the bitter cold wind blows, and all that falls around you are dead leaves, then, maybe then, you'll miss the ones once green.

This will hurt me. This will hurt.

But staying by you will hurt more.

For you have been blessed with too many friends to treasure the ones you have.
For you have been blessed with too much love to understand it truely.

So I leave these dreaded halls of Maris Stella the same way I entered those four painful long years ago.

Alone.
Alone.

Forever Alone.

Even though I'm the Sacrifice,
You won't try for me not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.

Isn't someone... missing me?

- Evanescence- Missing

To Love

2006-11-09T21:09:00.000+08:00

"A mighty pain to love it is,
And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain."
-Abraham Cowley

"Where have all the feelings gone?
Why is the deadliest sin - to love as I loved you?
Now unblessed, homesick in time,
Soon to be freed from care, from human pain.
My tale is the most bitter truth:
Time pays us but with earth and dust, and a dark, silent grave.
Remember, my child: Without innocence the cross is only iron,
Hope is only an illusion and Ocean Soul's nothing but a name...

The Child bless thee and keep thee forever"

Glitter

2006-11-02T21:40:00.000+08:00

"How Sweet.

To finally speak, and not through you.

My Sweet darling."

-And so he spoke

The blatent sweetness of a sparkless night.
And her dark, inherent beauty.

For when all humanity creeps me away from
And in solitude douse me

I may glimmer in the moon's soft light
Snuggling in her nonexistant embrace
And May I rest under her watchful eyes
For she'll keep me safe at night
The beauty of one so delicate,
Basking in, oh such cold tears.
As I see in her disappointed, weary eyes.
My being.

"Bosom for a teary cheek"

It... does elude me.
These answers which humans inherently wish to see exist.

I see... emptiness. I see nothing. And yet caught in its very core I feel the call of despair.

If exist you be, then to this do answer.
What right do you think you have to cause us such pain

I see struggles. I see fights. But all shall fall before the word of evil. Before the word of hypocrisy. Before the fallen words whom to which I once found refuge.

But to see the truth apparently, is to be cursed.
What fault was it of mine to comprehend?
To comprehend your dark, selfish nature.

And I say now, the Kingdom of Heaven was never meant for anyone but those whose creation was the creator.
And in their eyes you are all cursed.

It was never meant for you.

So quit preaching, murderers.
You Made Me Who I Am.

And these last word to those who relentlessly insist to others the failed concept of releasement of pain.
Or simply put, "Moving On"

I say to you.
Unless gone through such pain you have,
Unless fathom even the slightest of what we go through you can,
Unless you have ever had to try.
Unless you have ever bled, as we have bled.

SPEAK NO MORE OF THAT.

For words flow quicker than blood.

HOW CAN I FORGET WHEN ITS ALL I'M MADE OF
HOW CAN I FORGET WHEN ITS ALL I AM?
and... how can I forget when if you all continue to exist?

So I beg you please.
LEAVE ME BE.

curse you all.

Siren

2006-10-23T21:26:00.000+08:00

My fall will be for you

The clock ticks.

Ticks, ticks, tick-tick-ticks.

And it won't even yield to me.

Why do I willingly indulge in such folly?

Why do I repeatedly admit these waves my being?

And as I had spoken, so it has inevitably become.

I cannot... breathe.

I cannot... see.

And as the depths intoxicatingly draw me forth my hand fails.

And I reach no more for the surface.

My life will be in you

Embraced by the water's fleeting warmth.

So overpoweringly present... yet its existence eluding my grasps.

And my throat blazes with overwhelming thirst.

And I see.

I see the plains aburning,

The mountains weeping for her fallen kin.

And the waters no more than folktales.

There I lay.

Clad in flesh of the moon.

Smiling.

If you be the one to cut me

Still I wade into the waters.

Still I dive into its choking comfort.

What folly.

But I say now.

For all pain and death forthbringing

I WILL GO.

To my severement.

To my cripplement.

To my pain.

I'll bleed forever.

Now, on to more literal issues.

Ah, yes.

And I say now, if there be anything about me that ignites curosity or question in any of you,

I impore you, Speak!

For I will answer to that which has been willed.

So hide not your... abstractions... from willing ears,

For it is rude...

No?

No, my hearing has not improved.

And no, neither have my studies.

For how can one study when knowledge eludes even consciousness?

My memories...

Will them away... please...

May I never recall your faces ever again.

Poor, Sweet, Innocent Thing.

Whispering Chords

2006-10-10T18:32:00.000+08:00

I will look towards the light. My gaze won't break. It won't.

Emotional... these 2 days have been. Of course it has. It was inevitable... from the moment I spoke to that ENT specialist.

Thank you Eric, you kept things relatively interesting.
Thank you John. Thank you for your words.

Thank you both for coming.

So.... there is a chance that a miracle may occur. There is a chance that I might regain my hearing fully.
There is a chance... that I may only regain it to a certain extent.
And.... there is a chance.... that this... condition is irreversible.

But lets get on about today.
I didn't sleep well.

I woke up at hourly intervals between 5 to 7... and was bothered by the alarm clock until my mother came in at 8... to get me to take my medicine.
I woke... and I ate them pills... and I started reading... reading...
until I recieved a call at about 10.

John and Eric were coming!!!
I was like.... gosh.... so happy!
So, containing my excitement, I continued reading.

They came with chips!!! (most probably johns idea) =)

So they came... and used my crappy, spyware-loaded com.... WHILE making a lot of noise. But I didn't really mind... Although my mother said not to hear any loud sounds at all...

We had a typical day.

No improvement with my ear.

And I'm going to the hospital again tomorrow.... so.... I guess I won't be going to school now...

But....

Well... I want to thank:
*Pwiffie (for worrying.... =))
*Uni (for the future tiramisu.... and for cheering me up... and for the aye)
*Nigel Tan (for standing by me)
*Nicholas Lu(for helping me)
Asra (for trying)
Gabriel (for the worksheets)
Leopie (for caring)

Of course, John and Eric.
I would have died a long time ago without you.
And... Sorry if I upset both of you... yea.
Thank you both. Tremendously.

Lastly, I never thought I'd say this, but. Thank you Xavier Bay.

Look! Look what Pwiffie said!

kyra says: im aching all over . but i didnt do anything!!! =.= says:
my poor widdle meowler

I'm a Poor Widdle Meowler. =D

Wells.... Thank you. All of you. I really needed this cheering up. Thank you, really.

Perhaps.... I'm not so alone after all.

Thank You All.
You've made the light... less glaring. For now. =)

Please Hear Me

2006-10-06T14:34:00.000+08:00

The last official day of school.

Of Maris Stella.

You'd think I'd be happy.

Sigh.

I woke up. Thinking about John. I realized its no point fighting this useless battle between him and me, I turned instead to fighting my own.

I Now Scribe My Thoughts from my Memories.

Me: He Betrayed You.
I: No. I can forgive that. I forgave that already.
Me: You really think you can just let it go? You have never been able to do that. Never. Things from so long ago still haunt your thoughts.
I: No they don't. I can't even remember anything from before.
Me: Because I protected you from them. I always have protected you from the pain. For I am the only one who truely loves you.
I: I know that. But I have already forgiven him.
Me: He shall not do the same.
I: Why not? I shall apologize to him later, and you can't stop me.
Me: I merely show you what I see. He will only cause you more pain, and I am only here to protect you from others. I don't want to see you hurt.
I: He won't! I don't believe he will.
Me: Your naivety is just what I hate most about you.
I: Your lies are what I do(hate most about YOU).

I went to school.

And I apologized. A number of times.

"Me" was right.
To top it off, My class photographs were not ordered. Nobody gave me any... hugs, or waves goodbye, or... anything at all. Nobody (except nigel) wanted to take a photo of, or with me, nobody... nobody, nobody.

I always thought I never needed humans to fufill myself. So I always thought.

I was on the verge of self-mulilation; i WOULD have if i still had my knives... but ah wells...

I was very emotional all through the day, and Chinese lesson almost killed me. Until.

It was unexpected. It came so fast, yet so gradually.
As eric was trying to convince me it was hopeless to try with him again, trying to convince me that things will never be as before...

The hearing in my right ear... just slowly faded away.

And obviously, I freaked out. I was so anxious, so worried, so agitated. I squirmed and struggled in my seat until the stupid lesson ended, and John returned.

I told him about my hearing in a state of frenzy. I was so upset. I was so worried. I was so afraid.

And his eyes told me everything. He didn't care.

"Me" was right again.

Did I do something so evil, so damning, to warrant such pain onto myself? SUCH PAIN? SUCH PAINN?
Why can't I escape my past?
WHY???

So, upset, agitated, worried, frightened, and now broken, I rushed to my bag, grabbed my phone, ran to a corner of the class and called my mother.

And what broke me even more was how not a single person in class even bothered about what I was feeling. Do I not even have ONE SINGLE FRIEND?

My tongue was curling. I couldn't speak properly.

I RESTRAINED my emotions, all my emotions, and choked out a struggled "I can't hear. I wanna go to a hospital. I wanna go to a hospital. I WANNA GO TO A HOSPITAL!!!"

Then, finally, nicholas lu came and fussed about me, checked my ear with his flashlight.
I don't remember if anyone else was there. I was too deep in the rapids for my gaze to break the darkly shiny surface.
Then he dragged me off to Madam Jennifer Goh, and I blubbered my condition to her.

She calmly said "Please excuse us." And walked me off, asking me questions along the way.
I was awed by her ability to remain so calm when here I was on the verge of stabbing myself.

She asked me if I was dizzy, nauseous, and the like...

Then we reached the porch, and she asked me what I was thinking of when it happened.
I told her.... I was thinking of what to say to John, because we fell out.

For some reason that fact held some essentiality to her assesment of my condition, for she immediatly looked up, saw Eric and John, and called them over.
She told me to try to relax... and to look at the greenery... and then they went over to the center of the porch to talk.
Stupidly enough, I couldn't hear a thing they were saying...
not a single thing.

Then we had another little talk, Me and I.

Me: Poor little Felix Ang. Betrayed and weak and broken in two.
I: (ignores)
Me: Awww. Look at you. What did I tell you? John will only bring you more pain. You don't need a human to make you whole... you've got me.
I: Shut Up.
Me: Did I not tell you so?
I: GO away.
Me: What do you really want?
I: To make the pain stop.
Me: You always tell people to cry. You claim, crying helps, did you not? Well cry now then. Cry! You can't even cry! You can't even do the thing you always tell people to do. You're so pathetically weak.
I: You promised to PROTECT me. You promised you wouldn't hurt me! You said you truely loved me!
Me: I do this only to keep you from further pain, sweet one. It is the only way you shall learn.

I attempted to cry twice. I couldn't do it.

Me: John has caused you so much PAIN. SO MUCH PAIN. How can you still want him so badly? How can you still fight against me, for HIM?
I: Because I have faith. I believe he will understand. I still believe in him, and I won't give up.
Me: There are no happy endings in this world. I hope you'll learn that someday.

Then little Nigel Tan came and chatted to me, and I explained my situation again. Jennifer Goh suddenly appeared to have ended her conversation with John and Eric, and came to talk to me.

She said, it may be a kidney problem.
It may be that I'm in a state of Emotional Trauma.
Or it may be some form of ear infection.

After that.... John started talking to me...
And I was satisfied with that.

We went to the hall, and we met Mrs Ng who brought me to the staff lounge for some hot water, then to the general office to get me a form for the leaving of school.
Meanwhile, I had calmed down by a bit, and I went to pack my bag, called my mother, and asked her to come pick me up.

After the doctors, he made a guess at the problem. He said it could be due to the haze, then it would be harmless.
If on monday I'm still not well, I'll have to go for Brain MRI scans... and blood tests... and the like.

At any rates... John seems so much nicer over eric's smses.... then he is to me.
It is as if.... as if...
nothing ever happened.

But no. Deep down inside, I know Eric is right. I know ME is right. I know that my longings will never be fufilled.

But I can Hope. I can hope. I can hope. I can hope.

I JUST WANT HIM TO UNDERSTAND. I JUST WANT HIM TO FORGIVE ME. I JUST WANT HIM TO understand. i just want... to be understood...

I went home, and I was feeling horrible. Losing half a sense, and half my sanity. I think. I was feeling so horrible. I longed for reclusion.

I called john... to ask him to help me check my CCA grade.
He murmered something quickly. I caught "call you back later" and hung up on me.

That dragged me further down my rough gravel road.

Then I smsed him, and a while later he replied, saying the person in charge had left, and he hadn't checked mine.

And I felt like killing myself.

Would it really kill him, to but glance once at my name, and check the grade? I know I would have, no matter how angry I had made me.
WOULD IT REALLY KILL HIM?

Well. It killed me.

I was feeling worse than ever. Worse worse worse.

THIS SCHOOL HOLDS SUCH HORRIBLE MEMORIES
THIS CLASS HOLDS SUCH HORRIBLE MEMORIES

Burn.... burn...... BURN YOU ALL!!!!!

Well, then Eric dragged me out to suntec. Over there I watched them inappropriatly handle Japanese food.

John didn't say two sentences to me.

I already told Eric. Nobody wanted me there. Nobody wants me anyways. Nobody.

I COULD DIE NOW AND NOBODY WOULD CARE.
Sure. They would be sad. Sure they would mourn. But oh no no no. They wouldn't notice.
They just take it for granted that I'll always be here. That they can just turn, and I would be there, following them. Watching their backs. Acting as a wallflower.

Nobody would care. Nobody WOULD.

I left them, feeling even more ripped apart than before I had left.
A fools idea, to put myself through more pain.

I went for some horribly uneventful family gathering. And now here I am.

I HATE MYSELF
I HATE MYSELF
I HATE MYSELF
I HATE MYSEELLLFF
I HATE MYSELF

WHY WON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? WHY DO YOU FIND IT NECCESARY TO PUT ME THROUGH SUCH PAIN? WHAT THE HELL IS SO EVIL ABOUT ME, WHAT THE HELL IS SO ACCURSED ABOUT ME? WHY CAN'T... why can't anyone just love me?

DO YOU ALL WANT MY BLOOD?

For I'll bleed to death for you. I'll bleed to death.

But you all wouldn't even bother to spit at me.

I NEED HELP

HEAR ME

Something to chew on

2006-10-03T22:46:00.000+08:00

Nibble

I hold the hand tight,
Walk through the reminiscent tunnels
Twinkling with Christmas lights,
At my feet an Alphabet Cube.

To this way stares greedy eyes,
Waves of unresting green.
I grip the fingers much too tight
And his face slenders to agony.

So we walk, and lustful hands
Point, Slither, Reach, Stretch.
The insidiousness melts, the tension snaps
Claws detract as I cry out

"This is MY Cookie!"

Tick

2006-10-01T15:03:00.000+08:00

The same... chilling wind...
Blows upon the face of my blind heart.

I love it.
This beckoning despair.

And I wish it would never leave.

There are occurances that beget sadness, in their own respects.
There are silent tears that long to be cried, that kill me with their immense selflessness. And the guilt overpowers me.

Please don't see me.
I'm not the person you're looking for.
Really.

Comforting sadness.

The essence of my true soul.

Things have changed.
The barricading anger... the perfect hatred. Eludes me.
Oh how I wish for soothing pain.
Oh how I wish... to dream again.

What does my existance mean.
What purpose does it see to in my every breath. My every thought. My every lie.

Lie- Lie- Lie- Lie- Lie- Lie- Lie.

No. Plague me not with your unbreathing answers, for there is no human who can give anything other.

I just want to stay like this forever.

Is it so wrong?

Did I never know love?

Perhaps I came face to face with... infatuation.

Illusions of my decrypt mind.
I never knew what I truely wanted.

Still, what I want from you you can never give. Never.
Yet, undying, my emotions stay.

You... "Friends"
Betrayers in lit, shiny flesh.

I need not a human.
I only need... them.

Enough of my Etheral Blabber.

The Prelims

Does one honestly wish to know my true feelings on this matter
Perhaps you seek... to use me.
Your little tool, of which upon you will make use of to eleviate your feelings of dread. And those of doom.

YOU CARE ONLY FOR YOURSELVES.

FOOLS OF A FALLEN RACE.

Perhaps you seek misery in the depths of another.

Perhaps you seek satisfaction in the overpowering of another.

Perhaps you seek further competition.

Perhaps you seek to REASSURE YOURSELVES that at least for one STUPID insignificant human creation biased in all prospects, perhaps even biased against you, there is someone else to laugh at, someone else to put down.

CURSE YOU
CURSE YOU AND ALL THOSE OF YOUR KIND

"Because when you're miserable, you need someone else more miserable than you."

CURSE FAKE DEMOCRACIES AND THEIR EXPLOITS.
CURSE LIES AND LIES AND LIES AND LIES AND LIES AND LIES.

Choice.

What Choice.

Still time will not backflow. Time will not compromise.

Time will be your ending.

All of you wish for someone to care about you.
When you have never shown the slightest bit of concern to ANYONE but yourselves.

FOOLS

What is with the huge ego battle occuring between every individual?
What is with the pain everyone must inflict on others in order to satisfy themselves?

HAPPINESS IS A LIE.
HAPPINESS IS A BLINDING LIE.

What pain do you think you feel, pittle ones?

How can you claim to know pain, when all you've ever felt is your own tiny, insignificant ones?

Do YOU know what is evil?
It cannot be expressed in words.

There is NOBODY for you.
Not other humans. Not anyone at all. Not even god.

No. Not even god.

"Men are crazy. They cannot even create a worm, but they create gods by the dozen."

Does he really exist?
DOES HE REALLY LOVE YOU?

There is nothing in this world for me.

Why do I... still... relentlessly.... attempt to pull through?

And the clock ticks.

Tick, Tick, tick tick tick.

I smile at you, and I shall see you all recieve... your just rewards someday for your actions.
Yes, I shall see it done.

Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick.

An Apology

2006-09-04T16:48:00.000+08:00

For I appear not to be updating.

However, contrary to the known misconception, this being indeed does update his blog... on a different site.

It shall be your charge.
For this being seeks sincere amusement from the subtle naiveties of this fallen race.
Something I have yearned for for .... much too long.

That Flower.

2006-08-17T18:49:00.000+08:00

あの花

あの花は
死んでいて、黒くなって来る。
そして幸せじゃない。

あそこへ歩く。
涙を降っていて、
別な花は構わない。

行く時
見たけど、
花はもう死んだ。

しかし、笑った。
あの花しか私は
好きなので。

A little announcement

2006-08-11T14:53:00.000+08:00

Although I do not think people come here, I just wanna say this.

I GOT D7 FOR CHINESE!!!!!!!

Heh. And I'm thankful for it. I choose not to let chinese ruin my life. So... I now am eligible to attend JC! Cos I have a D7. and thats all I need. whee.

Cheers to D7s!

Voltaire

2006-08-06T23:30:00.000+08:00

It seems Voltaire was a wise frenchman.

On l'interdit de tuer, donc tous les meurtriers sont punis à moins qu'ils tuent dans de grands nombres et au bruit des trompettes.

-Voltaire

It means,
“It is forbidden to kill, therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.”

Tout amende aujourd'hui, cela est notre illusion.

Et

S'il n'y avait aucun Dieu, il aurait été nécessaire de l'inventer.

Et

Je désapprove ce que vous dites, mais je défendrai à la mort votre droite de la dire.

A plus tard.

Fathomable

2006-08-02T20:46:00.000+08:00

I did promise one understandable post.... so here. No funny spinning words or roundabout grammer. Comprehendable.

This was an eventful week it was, yes.

Let us begin with... the change.
Well things occur, I guess. Just a little untimely for them all to occur on the same day.
Then, I decided, I wanted myself back. So I decided to change.

The only thing that is important is, there was only one who came. Heh. And not even one whom I used to be close to. The people who claimed to be my.... "friend"s. What did they even do? Nothing, nothing at all. Except drive deeper the infurity.

To Darth Sulphate, There are other reasons why. This does not apply to you.

So. The day after the change. It seems few even realized my plight. However, I have here not to thank Ben for being one of those who saw, and who came to talk. At least.

It suffices to say that blood flowed on that day, be it only drips of. The week flowed past on the backs of a million hawks, much of it in a flurry. There is little that comes to my mind when I attempt to peer into my memories. I only remember the pain, and the relief, and the azure shining rainbow.

Oh, but I promised no winding talk, did I not.

But I do remember leaving on a Friday. =) that one shines brightly. School ended early, around a tens of the morning, thus I made a quick desicion to follow Gabriel to his home. They apparently planned on swimming, though I did not. After John and Marcus had their Oral Examinations, we left the cursed school.

After a times bus ride, we left our belongings in Gabriel's humble apartment, and as John and I amused ourselves playing the piano.... no.... I amused myself watching John play. His playing amazes me... It seems to such an extent so... beautiful. He leaves his soul to enter the song, which colors itself with little bright sparkly lights, then after a little persuasion by whomever I do not remember, we left for food!

Ohyeah. Was it Wee Liang? I certainly recall somebody moaning about hunger.

We walked nearby to a certain store which sold a noodle.... which seems like a noodle to me. Interestingly enough, it has its own name... Board Noodles? Ban Mien. Heh. Gabriel paid for this poor broke cashless person, and I have yet to return the cost!

After that, we returned and I urged John to rest before going for the swim that everyone was looking forwards to. He was all pained and all! So I THINK we played Harry Potter.... or I think I just randomly rained curses on everything I saw. Ah wells.

Then, the swim!

I was actually reluctant to enter the pool, but I love water! Many should know, yet I had no change of clothes and thus I.... resisted the temptation to splash in the water. Or not. I waved people from the sides of the pool... until Marcus and Gabriel (Lee) made it their pure intent to soak me. Then Gabriel (Lee again) came up and flung me in the pool!

And thats the story of my wetness.

Saturday.... I cannot recall.

oh Yeah! Jiajia/Diza/Kelly/Rayne/Jaylyn's birthday party!

.... I made TONS of water balloons.... which nobody played! BAD PEOPLE.

So shelarh and I flung about half of them off the balcony. Then I got bored and talked on the phone with special people for like some time... while irritating seeing. But she was nice enough to lend me HER phone when my mum's went flat... nice girl she is yes! And she looks better with her hair back too.

Happy birthday to Jaylyn! I turns out my present reminded her of Lucy's last year. heh.

Came home late, and I couldn't sleep. Heh. Thinking abt sunday.

Sunday!

After..... my stuff, I went to meet John and Jianrui to go to their church!
They were really nice people.... haha. They even sang a song specially for me. =)
But still I mourn the loss of my hair.... they fell by the razor sharp hand of DK.

I still remember... a few... schools!
Acs(i)
Acs(b) *brother school
NYGH
Cedars
Innova.... was there?
2 ppl from army...
A Christine
John's sis.....
Somebody from Simei ITE
ah. my memory fails me.

Then John and I ate fast food (yes again, but i lost 0.8 kg!)
And we went to his house! he slept on the bus, poor tired soul.
I met his mom, which later John reminded that I had already met her before.
John ate.... "Lasagna"....
Joel did physics.
Then Gabriel called! Apparently we made him wait really long for us. Sorry!
Sho we left to get to city hall, and I dressed up, albeit my dumb ugly high sloped hair.

Went to victoria CH, and we reserved seats which weren't taken by them anyways... I tried to irritate Renyi, y'know the class councillor... to no avail indeed.

Concert passed.

We left for suntec! (i actually chose dis time!)
We(gabs) bought John some dinner, which he was really.... embarrased about..... I urged him that it was fine. I dun think he took it, but sigh. What else could I do?

I got irritated by singaporean folks. Darned selfish ......(this could go on).......

Then we met ..... was it gerealdine?
and we took bus home... only... john took an unknown bus and MISSED HIS STOP! he was reaaaallllyyyyy freaking out over the phone heheh, and he called his sister joanne.

Guess where he got lost.

2 stops from my house?

Sure.

So I took the bus to find him, assured him that my bus would go to the station, then walked home. I got freaked by plastic bags and the lack of civilization, but ah wells.

hahaha. he sounded really funny freaking out.

At all rates, went to school the past 3 days EXTREMELY TIRED.

Expecially having to go through.... more irritaitons. Yet... I foresee things turning up soon. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all... or maybe something changed the night red tears were shed.

I do not know.

The Change

2006-07-27T15:28:00.000+08:00

Words Speak.

Deadening occurs where there is no remedy.

Yet pleased. Always pleased.

This is what I've always wanted.

No more stupidity.

No more foolishness.

No more idiocy.

Finally, who I have longed for for so long.

Cease.

2006-07-26T19:11:00.000+08:00

All form of contact through my phone.

And Leave. I need no more mocking.

I do not jest. LEAVE.

Thank you John, Thank you Marcus, Thank You Jian Rui, Thank You Lu.

Especially you, John. Though I know you'll never read this. Thank You Thank You Thank You.

Quizzes

2006-07-19T21:19:00.000+08:00

I Sorta Went a tad Quiz-Crazy... so here they all are.

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner.
Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare.
You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie.
Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you.
For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

What's Your Love Style?

You Are Jean Grey

Although your fate is often unknown, you always seem to survive (even after death).
Your mind is your greatest weapon, literally!

Powers: telepathy and telekinesis, the ability to project thoughts into the mind of others, communication with animals

Which of the X-Men Are You?

You Play it Cool

You're not in your face, smokin' hot... and it's all by design
You have a carefully crafted cool persona, leaving everyone wanting to know just a little more.

Are You Hot?

Your Personality Profile

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.
Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.
You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs.

For you, comfort and calm are very important.
You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.
You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

You Should Travel to Japan

From freak sightings in Harajuku to awesome sashimi, you'll love Japan.
And who knows? You might end up on Japanese TV!

What Asian Country Should You Visit?

People Envy Your Compassion

You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain.
People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them.

What Do People Envy About You?

Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover

You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you!
Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter.
You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you.

You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable
Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life
By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover.

Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives.
Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours.
No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

Your Heart Is Red

You're a passionate lover - you always have a huge fire in your heart.
Too bad it's hard for you to be passionate about just one person!

Your flirting style: Outgoing and sexy

Your lucky first date: Drinks and dancing

Your dream lover: Is both stable and intense

What you bring to relationships: Honesty

What Color Heart Do You Have?

You Should Learn French

C'est super! You appreciate the finer things in life... wine, art, cheese, love affairs.
You are definitely a Parisian at heart. You just need your tongue to catch up...

What Language Should You Learn?

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"We are born crying, live complaining, and die disappointed."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

You Are Elektra

There's really no superhero with more style than you.

Because who could beat being sexy assasin ninja?

What Superhero Are You?

Your Hair Should Be Pink

Hyper, insane, and a boatload of fun.
You're a traveling party that everyone loves to follow.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

A coupla pretty weird... like this pink hair thing. On the whole relatively amusing.

A Tale of Two Souls

2006-07-11T21:41:00.000+08:00

Two Alike yet Apart
With not any feelings of the heart
Bless them safe may they forever be
Safe from me, oh safe from me.

Verchiel and Adnachiel
Author Crypted

Gazing out the castle window
The stars above, the lake below
She’s by herself, that’s for sure
And nobody could ever care more.

He stands solitary, in peace
Yet the endless fighting will not cease
He’s alone again, sole voice of truth
Verily here, there is no coming truce

She came to battle one sultry day
Prepared to fight, in every possible way
She gazed upon the field’s Plutonian shore
She would not hurt, she fought nevermore

He screamed again, yet again, Forsake Life!
Stop your suffering! End your strife!
Through the great Maëlstrom people did gaze
The darkness, the light, of bloodlust’s reddish haze

He turned and left, left them indeed
They would never listen, those foul machines!
The castle was his home, sweet home
No more on these red rivers would he roam

In a flash it had all become clear
Liberty. Justice. Freedom alone were dear!
She turned and fled, no badge of courage did adorn
The battle robes, the cloth that was so worn

The hand of fate declares that like minds must meet
Through wind, rain, hail, storm, and sleet
For her, she would never walk alone
For him, humanity entombed in coldest stone.

Poultry

2006-07-08T01:18:00.000+08:00

So it has been said.

So it has been spoken.

So the blood shall stain the parchment with knowledge.

And so the deal with the Egg has been cast.

Only... Will he bear to bleed when the time calls for it?

Will the contract... seal?

Cows

2006-07-04T20:56:00.000+08:00

There is nothing to be grateful.

There leaves naught to be fearful.

If it is not our choice do not EXPECT our actions to flow heartily.

What are you without your soul?

And what are we without ours?

If I choose not to work under the huge propaganda machine, I would not.

Debilitated Land of Fools.

They CLAIM we get to choose, they CLAIM we get freedom. But I now say NO. WE DID NOT GET TO CHOOSE. And she acts as though we love her and her redundant useless Propaganda subject.

You are failed, Cow-one. You are worth not to teach me.

And I shall see myself free, one day.

LEAVE.

Loss and Discovery

2006-06-25T22:27:00.000+08:00

This song is dedicated to the one who hath aided thy, oh so much...
May your spirit rest dormant 'till each moon riseth.

The Soft Goodbye

When the light begins to fade and shadows fall across the sea,
one bright star in the evening sky, your love's light leads me on my way.

there's a dream that will not sleep, a burning hope that will not die.
so I must go now with the wind, and leave you waiting on the tide.

time to fly, time to touch the sky.
one voice alone, a haunting cry...
one song, one star burning bright, may it carry me through darkest night.

rain comes over the gray hills, and on the air, a soft goodbye.
hear the song that I sing to you, when the time has come to fly.

when I leave and take the wind and find the land that faith will bring,
the brightest star in the evening sky is yours to find for me...

its yours to find for me...

=)

I have changed so much in the past few days... my inner soulth opened one small window to its lightness.

And yet I mourn the loss of many a human once lived, and tear forth the new reviality.

blessed may thou be, the angels of light whose soul kisseth thy.

and as the blood flows in the name of pain, the time of freedom shalth come again. remember these words, fool of fools.

and now i musth be on my way.

bright the skies and warm the heart.

The Silence

2006-06-22T00:01:00.000+08:00

Eternal Silence....

They are no more.

No more whispers in my mind.

No tanglements in my soul.

They are no more.

And I am finally a one.

To Have Seen

2006-06-17T16:49:00.000+08:00

I think... now I might finally understand.

Perhaps it is just me, and not the others who agree, that I might just finally understand.

I set up the system today.

All they gave me was a smile, and "Thats so cool"

No "Thank you" or any of the liking.

But... I might finally understand.

They were brought up in an entirely human world.

We hated this human world, so I made myself, or at least tried to, polarize myself from it.

They, however, gave in. Because they love this damned, cursed world. Because all they want to do is to live, to live forever.

And all I want to do is die, eternal death, no more sorrow, no more suffering.

They gave in, and thats who they have become. The fighters, the rebels, who everyday strive to rise above the false veil of humanity's lies, those who love the very things who hate them, those angels damned between humanity, those... like me...

These are the ones who deserve to live forever. But I don't wish to anymore. Why live, when pain is all you recieve?

Think about it.

And I think I might finally understand.

Sifting through memories.

2006-06-11T00:14:00.000+08:00

I was just looking through my old files when this old poem of mine was found.

Utopia

A gravestone
The man of light here lies
A place for the dancing fireflies

Dead
For all he did was good
And against all evil he ever stood

There
The impure hearts stand
In the rain of blood of good men

And
They were allowed to live
Because all they did was take, never give

Sun
Its rays shine over the selfish pigeons
Bathing them in its rejuvenating light

For
The rewards of the guiltless
Lie in the ever-plump palms of the unworthy

That
Is how the world has stood
And how the world forever shall stay

Flee
For the good are long gone
And it is in evil that shall path the way.

But
I shall not give in
And die I must, for freedom that will never come one day

Curse things

2006-05-29T18:26:00.000+08:00

Curse stomachs. Curse the inexistence of pills. Curse the chinese paper one. Curse Pheonix's death. Curse Chinese.

Lastly, Curse Myself to oblivion.

我死盯了。

2006-05-27T14:35:00.001+08:00

星期一是华文O水尊考试。我还不会写水尊。
我真的很恨华文。不要给我废话，什麽是我的母语。我现在说，不是我的母语。

凡怎（fan zen??)我星期一一踏进考场，我就会踏进那个装满了快乐天堂。那乐趣好像毒气，慢慢的杀死我。那里的天使，每个都拿着一把充满亮光的刀，刺我，刺我，不停的刺我。我的心，因为你，早已经死了。你的嘴巴有尖尖的牙齿把我的翼咬破。

你是地下的阳光，该死的阳光。

慢慢的杀了我。

走吧。再也不要回来。

走。

第一个和最后一个华文blog。

2006-05-24T15:27:00.000+08:00

为了kyra.c的话，我现在会用华文写一张post.

-不在了-

我现在不要post了。kyra.c,你赢了！恭喜。

changed song again

2006-05-22T00:32:00.000+08:00

my favourite song....

well, one of. =)

At the beginning

2006-05-18T20:46:00.000+08:00

Watch it! Its really sweet!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBP52JzUlVg

even more than "tong hua" which pwiffieriffies claims is REALLY SWEET. i almost can understand it tho!

ok to the important part. as you can see, i'm not like in my usual mood now, prob cos erm. i dunno. cos i stink. i hate being happy and i still am. how stupid is that.

ok gimmie a few seconds to get into my usual mood.

Your sight exists only to read these words, is it not.

As recently gone, and lifeth it shall remain.
The Science Fair competition presentation... went fairly well, though gabriel does not seem to fathom so. Un-more it went well.

My L1R5 score for prelims one, 24.

sigh. please accept my sorries at my current state. it has always been tradition, that i act unlike myself after things like... the last post... occur. i'll try to be myself more.

bye then.

He is not my father

2006-05-14T11:42:00.000+08:00

He is no father of mine.

My father died a thousand years ago.

My blood flows out of the wounds

He is not my father.

My father is dead.

I HAVE NO FATHER.

HE IS NOT MY FATHER.

I DID NOTHING WRONG.

I WAS CURSED ON THE TWELTH OF TWELTH.

LET. ME. DIE.

Burn the cross. Kill the father. Forsake the child.