Self Control
Sometimes I feel I amaze myself at my own lack of the thing that I have been trying to enforce on myself.
This is especially true in my lack of control over my money-spending issues.
Every time I see something I find mildly likeable to me, like a book, or a game, or something like that, I will get this urge to get it. Its like the object wants me to buy it. Yes. Its so. Like just now, I went to the shop to get a little 80 cents ice cream, and guess what, I wasted like $11.50 buying a stupid Ben and Jerry's ice cream which seemed sooo tempting. SOO TEMPTING.
It IS yummy though. I'm eating it like a teeny weeny bit at a time. But I expect soon i'll just eat it all.
More examples. I bought a useless book of answers for $19.95. And what did I use it for? It isn't even accurate anyways. There are more accurate ways of getting answers for difficult situations. And that was $20 gone down my open void in my pocket which draws in all cash from me and my mom. I took up guitar lessons and after six months, I stopped. However I still have enough knowledge to play it basically. And thats a good thing.
There are so many other ways in which I feel I have tore open and flung my mother's blood and sweat and stress all into the void. So many other ways. And though my many failed attempts to change it and suppress it and destroy it... it has managed to fool all my attempts. One way or another.
If anyone is here to read it, I would like to apologise. Badly. I never meant to hurt anyone.
I just HATE myself.
I hate how I am
I hate how I am so weak
I hate the rules enforced on me
I hate the fact that I constantly hurt people
I hate this
I hate life
I hate human beings. Backstabbing Cruel human beings.
I hate this all
Let It End.
Lastly, those surprised by my strangely happy attitude at the start of the post, I now sincerely apologise. I hate being happy as well. I also wish to apologise for my slow rate of updating and posting. I hate myself.
Now leave me be. Go back to your empty hearts. Go. Shoo.
|
