Please Hear Me
The last official day of school.
Of Maris Stella.
You'd think I'd be happy.
Sigh.
I woke up. Thinking about John. I realized its no point fighting this useless battle between him and me, I turned instead to fighting my own.
I Now Scribe My Thoughts from my Memories.
Me: He Betrayed You.
I: No. I can forgive that. I forgave that already.
Me: You really think you can just let it go? You have never been able to do that. Never. Things from so long ago still haunt your thoughts.
I: No they don't. I can't even remember anything from before.
Me: Because I protected you from them. I always have protected you from the pain. For I am the only one who truely loves you.
I: I know that. But I have already forgiven him.
Me: He shall not do the same.
I: Why not? I shall apologize to him later, and you can't stop me.
Me: I merely show you what I see. He will only cause you more pain, and I am only here to protect you from others. I don't want to see you hurt.
I: He won't! I don't believe he will.
Me: Your naivety is just what I hate most about you.
I: Your lies are what I do(hate most about YOU).
I went to school.
And I apologized. A number of times.
"Me" was right.
To top it off, My class photographs were not ordered. Nobody gave me any... hugs, or waves goodbye, or... anything at all. Nobody (except nigel) wanted to take a photo of, or with me, nobody... nobody, nobody.
I always thought I never needed humans to fufill myself. So I always thought.
I was on the verge of self-mulilation; i WOULD have if i still had my knives... but ah wells...
I was very emotional all through the day, and Chinese lesson almost killed me. Until.
It was unexpected. It came so fast, yet so gradually.
As eric was trying to convince me it was hopeless to try with him again, trying to convince me that things will never be as before...
The hearing in my right ear... just slowly faded away.
And obviously, I freaked out. I was so anxious, so worried, so agitated. I squirmed and struggled in my seat until the stupid lesson ended, and John returned.
I told him about my hearing in a state of frenzy. I was so upset. I was so worried. I was so afraid.
And his eyes told me everything. He didn't care.
"Me" was right again.
Did I do something so evil, so damning, to warrant such pain onto myself? SUCH PAIN? SUCH PAINN?
Why can't I escape my past?
WHY???
So, upset, agitated, worried, frightened, and now broken, I rushed to my bag, grabbed my phone, ran to a corner of the class and called my mother.
And what broke me even more was how not a single person in class even bothered about what I was feeling. Do I not even have ONE SINGLE FRIEND?
My tongue was curling. I couldn't speak properly.
I RESTRAINED my emotions, all my emotions, and choked out a struggled "I can't hear. I wanna go to a hospital. I wanna go to a hospital. I WANNA GO TO A HOSPITAL!!!"
Then, finally, nicholas lu came and fussed about me, checked my ear with his flashlight.
I don't remember if anyone else was there. I was too deep in the rapids for my gaze to break the darkly shiny surface.
Then he dragged me off to Madam Jennifer Goh, and I blubbered my condition to her.
She calmly said "Please excuse us." And walked me off, asking me questions along the way.
I was awed by her ability to remain so calm when here I was on the verge of stabbing myself.
She asked me if I was dizzy, nauseous, and the like...
Then we reached the porch, and she asked me what I was thinking of when it happened.
I told her.... I was thinking of what to say to John, because we fell out.
For some reason that fact held some essentiality to her assesment of my condition, for she immediatly looked up, saw Eric and John, and called them over.
She told me to try to relax... and to look at the greenery... and then they went over to the center of the porch to talk.
Stupidly enough, I couldn't hear a thing they were saying...
not a single thing.
Then we had another little talk, Me and I.
Me: Poor little Felix Ang. Betrayed and weak and broken in two.
I: (ignores)
Me: Awww. Look at you. What did I tell you? John will only bring you more pain. You don't need a human to make you whole... you've got me.
I: Shut Up.
Me: Did I not tell you so?
I: GO away.
Me: What do you really want?
I: To make the pain stop.
Me: You always tell people to cry. You claim, crying helps, did you not? Well cry now then. Cry! You can't even cry! You can't even do the thing you always tell people to do. You're so pathetically weak.
I: You promised to PROTECT me. You promised you wouldn't hurt me! You said you truely loved me!
Me: I do this only to keep you from further pain, sweet one. It is the only way you shall learn.
I attempted to cry twice. I couldn't do it.
Me: John has caused you so much PAIN. SO MUCH PAIN. How can you still want him so badly? How can you still fight against me, for HIM?
I: Because I have faith. I believe he will understand. I still believe in him, and I won't give up.
Me: There are no happy endings in this world. I hope you'll learn that someday.
Then little Nigel Tan came and chatted to me, and I explained my situation again. Jennifer Goh suddenly appeared to have ended her conversation with John and Eric, and came to talk to me.
She said, it may be a kidney problem.
It may be that I'm in a state of Emotional Trauma.
Or it may be some form of ear infection.
After that.... John started talking to me...
And I was satisfied with that.
We went to the hall, and we met Mrs Ng who brought me to the staff lounge for some hot water, then to the general office to get me a form for the leaving of school.
Meanwhile, I had calmed down by a bit, and I went to pack my bag, called my mother, and asked her to come pick me up.
After the doctors, he made a guess at the problem. He said it could be due to the haze, then it would be harmless.
If on monday I'm still not well, I'll have to go for Brain MRI scans... and blood tests... and the like.
At any rates... John seems so much nicer over eric's smses.... then he is to me.
It is as if.... as if...
nothing ever happened.
But no. Deep down inside, I know Eric is right. I know ME is right. I know that my longings will never be fufilled.
But I can Hope. I can hope. I can hope. I can hope.
I JUST WANT HIM TO UNDERSTAND. I JUST WANT HIM TO FORGIVE ME. I JUST WANT HIM TO understand. i just want... to be understood...
I went home, and I was feeling horrible. Losing half a sense, and half my sanity. I think. I was feeling so horrible. I longed for reclusion.
I called john... to ask him to help me check my CCA grade.
He murmered something quickly. I caught "call you back later" and hung up on me.
That dragged me further down my rough gravel road.
Then I smsed him, and a while later he replied, saying the person in charge had left, and he hadn't checked mine.
And I felt like killing myself.
Would it really kill him, to but glance once at my name, and check the grade? I know I would have, no matter how angry I had made me.
WOULD IT REALLY KILL HIM?
Well. It killed me.
I was feeling worse than ever. Worse worse worse.
THIS SCHOOL HOLDS SUCH HORRIBLE MEMORIES
THIS CLASS HOLDS SUCH HORRIBLE MEMORIES
Burn.... burn...... BURN YOU ALL!!!!!
Well, then Eric dragged me out to suntec. Over there I watched them inappropriatly handle Japanese food.
John didn't say two sentences to me.
I already told Eric. Nobody wanted me there. Nobody wants me anyways. Nobody.
I COULD DIE NOW AND NOBODY WOULD CARE.
Sure. They would be sad. Sure they would mourn. But oh no no no. They wouldn't notice.
They just take it for granted that I'll always be here. That they can just turn, and I would be there, following them. Watching their backs. Acting as a wallflower.
Nobody would care. Nobody WOULD.
I left them, feeling even more ripped apart than before I had left.
A fools idea, to put myself through more pain.
I went for some horribly uneventful family gathering. And now here I am.
I HATE MYSELF
I HATE MYSELF
I HATE MYSELF
I HATE MYSEELLLFF
I HATE MYSELF
WHY WON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? WHY DO YOU FIND IT NECCESARY TO PUT ME THROUGH SUCH PAIN? WHAT THE HELL IS SO EVIL ABOUT ME, WHAT THE HELL IS SO ACCURSED ABOUT ME? WHY CAN'T... why can't anyone just love me?
DO YOU ALL WANT MY BLOOD?
For I'll bleed to death for you. I'll bleed to death.
But you all wouldn't even bother to spit at me.
I NEED HELP
HEAR ME
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